Every day I find myself less and less trying to manipulate outcomes. I guess I needed to finally get here. It’s funny because for the longest time I thought this lesson was mostly about relationships. Learning not to force things, not to chase answers, and not to try to control how people show up in my life. The more I think about it though, the more I realize it has very little to do with relationships and a lot to do with life in general.
What I’ve noticed is that just when I think I’ve finally learned how to let go, life shows me another area where I’m still holding on.
And usually it’s somewhere I wasn’t expecting.
Lately, that has looked like me questioning the difference between hope and expectation. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t hope for things because hope can create expectations, and expectations often lead to disappointment. The other part of me thinks that without hope, what are we really looking forward to? Hope is what gets us excited about the future. It’s what helps us believe there are good things ahead even when we can’t see them yet.
I recently went on a trip and had an entire idea in my head about how the weekend would go. I wasn’t trying to manipulate anything or control anyone. I wasn’t sitting there with an agenda. I was simply hopeful. The reality, however, was different. There were competing attitudes, different personalities, tension at times, and moments that were honestly more stressful than I expected. Looking back, I can genuinely say I had a good time. There were great memories made, plenty of laughs, and moments I enjoyed.
Yet somehow the stressful moments seem to stand out more than they should.
As I’ve reflected on it, I’ve found myself wondering if the disappointment came from the trip itself or from the fact that it didn’t match the version I had already created in my head. I don’t really know the answer. What I do know is that this isn’t just about a vacation. There are a lot of areas in my life right now where I don’t know what’s next. There are things I’m praying about, things I’m hopeful for, and things I’d genuinely like to see happen.
The uncertainty can be uncomfortable.
Especially for someone who spent a lot of years trying to stay one step ahead of disappointment.
Maybe the lesson isn’t to stop hoping. Maybe the lesson is learning how to hope without becoming attached to a specific outcome. Maybe it’s okay to want things, pray for things, and look forward to things while still accepting that life may unfold differently than we imagined. I’m starting to think there is a difference between saying, “This is what I would love to happen,” and saying, “This is what has to happen for me to be okay.”
That’s the part I’m still learning.
I don’t have some profound answer or life-changing conclusion. If I’m being honest, I’m still trying to figure it out. What I do know is that life seems to keep asking me to loosen my grip a little more than I’m comfortable with. Maybe that’s what trust actually is. Not giving up on hope, but letting go of the need to control how the story unfolds.
Maybe peace isn’t found in knowing what’s coming next.
Maybe peace is trusting that whatever comes next, you’ll be okay.
Affirmation Of Visions 