Tag: mental-health

Posted in life, life experience, Self Improvement

Apparently, I’m Becoming a Person Who Moisturizes

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

Something is happening to me lately, and I’m not entirely sure when it started.

Apparently, I’m becoming a person who moisturizes.

Consistently.

I get my nails done every other week. I pay attention to what I eat. I move my body because I want it to feel good. I take walks without headphones. I sit in silence without immediately reaching for something to entertain me. I listen more carefully. I speak more deliberately. I’m even drinking more water, which feels unnecessarily mature.

None of these things individually are particularly groundbreaking. Women have been applying moisturizer since the beginning of time. I am not expecting a documentary.

But collectively, they feel like evidence of something.

I think I’m becoming more intentional about being me.

Not reinventing myself. Not entering my “new era.” Please, God, do not make me announce an era. I have enough going on.

It feels more like I’ve stopped constantly looking outside of myself for instructions.

For most of our lives, there’s always something we’re supposed to be working toward. We want to look a certain way, accomplish something, make someone proud, prove something, attract something, fix something, become something.

And lately I don’t feel like I’m chasing anything.

I’m just curious about what happens when I take really good care of the life I already have.

That includes my health, but it also includes my skin and my nails and my peace and my relationships and my thoughts. It’s less about fixing anything and more about finally paying attention to all the small ways I can take care of myself.

And somewhere in all of that, I think I’ve softened a little too. I listen more. I try to understand before I react. I have more empathy for what people may be carrying that I know nothing about. I still have a sense of humor, thank God, because I have no interest in becoming so evolved that I stop finding people ridiculous. But I do think I move through things with a little more thought than I used to.

That doesn’t mean I always stay quiet. If I do decide to speak and give my piece on something, as I very much did yesterday, LOL, rest assured, it has been thought through. Probably overthought, revisited, mentally argued from both sides, and given more internal review than most corporate policies. So by the time it actually comes out of my mouth, I mean it. The delivery may occasionally have a little extra seasoning, but the message has already passed quality control. That’s probably why I can say what I need to say and still go to bed without regret.

Even today, I noticed it in the smallest way. I went for a walk without headphones. Normally there would be music, a podcast, something playing in the background. Instead, I just walked.

I listened to the world around me. I thought. I noticed things. I started recording these thoughts into my phone so I could remember them later, which probably made anyone passing me assume I was either conducting important business or having a very detailed conversation with myself.

Technically, it was the second one.

But I liked being there.

I liked my own thoughts without needing to drown them out.

And maybe that’s what all of this is.

I’m not becoming someone new.

I’m becoming less distracted from myself.

Less concerned with being accepted. Less interested in adjusting myself to fit whatever room I’m standing in. Less willing to ignore the little things that make me feel better just because nobody else will notice them.

And at the same time, I’m paying more attention to my body, my mind, my reactions, my habits, my peace, and the way I move through the world.

There’s no big destination attached to any of it.

I don’t know what the end result is supposed to look like.

For once, I don’t think I need to.

I’m taking care of myself because I live here.

And I’m actually becoming pretty curious to see what happens when I treat that like it matters.

Posted in life

I’ll Let You Know

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

I am probably the biggest “I’ll let you know” person you will ever meet. Ask me on a Monday if I want to do something Saturday and there is a very good chance that will be my answer.

It’s not that I don’t want to go. I genuinely might. I just don’t know how Saturday-me is going to feel yet, and I don’t like having every minute of my life planned in advance. Maybe I’ll wake up wanting to go to the beach. Maybe I’ll want to be outside all day. Maybe I’ll want to go to dinner. Maybe I’ll want to stay home with my dogs and not speak to another human being.

How am I supposed to know that on Monday?

I’ve heard this is a Libra thing, and whether or not that’s actually true, I’ve decided to accept it as fact because it takes some of the responsibility off me. 😂

The only thing I will pretty much guarantee you is the gym. That’s happening. The gym is my sanity and one of the few things I genuinely build my day around. No matter what else is going on in my life, that’s my time to reset, move my body and do something for myself.

Everything else? I’ll let you know.

The funny thing is, I don’t think I suddenly learned how to be alone as I got older. I’ve actually been pretty comfortable doing things by myself for a very long time. I think a lot of that started after my divorce. When my kids were little, obviously my life revolved around them, but I also learned very early that if I wanted to do something, I didn’t necessarily need another adult beside me to do it.

That stayed with me.

I’ll go somewhere by myself. I’ll take a walk. I’ll go to church. I’ll work out. I’ll go grab something to eat. I’ll sit outside. I’ll write. I’ll take myself wherever I feel like going. I love being around people too, but I’ve never been someone who needs to find somebody to accompany me just so I can do something.

I genuinely enjoy my own company.

And as my kids have gotten older and have their own lives, I think I’ve appreciated that freedom even more. For so many years, your time as a mom isn’t really your own. Somebody has practice, somebody needs a ride, somebody is hungry, somebody needs something from Target immediately even though apparently they knew about it for three weeks.

Then they grow up and suddenly you get pieces of your time back.

And I really like those pieces.

I like being able to decide what I feel like doing without taking a vote. I like changing my mind. I like waking up without an itinerary sometimes and seeing where the day takes me.

I think that’s also why I’ve realized that when I say I want “time to myself,” people might assume I mean I have other plans.

I usually don’t.

I’m not talking about girls’ night or having some packed social calendar. Sometimes I literally want a day where nobody expects me anywhere.

That’s the plan.

Maybe I’ll clean my house. Maybe I’ll write. Maybe I’ll go for a walk. Maybe I’ll randomly decide to go somewhere. Maybe I’ll sit on my couch for three hours and accomplish absolutely nothing.

I don’t need to know.

There’s something about having a completely open stretch of time that feels good to me. It’s not time that needs to be filled. It’s time I get to decide what to do with as I’m living it.

And then there are my dogs, which, quite frankly, have set an unreasonable standard for companionship.

They are always happy to see me. They never care if I change the plans. I can walk around my house looking like absolute hell and their enthusiasm for me remains completely unchanged.

But what I love most is that we can just be together.

I don’t have to entertain them and they don’t have to entertain me. I can be writing, watching TV, cleaning the house or doing absolutely nothing, and they’re just there. Their company fills my space and mine fills theirs.

There’s no pressure to fill the silence.

And I think that’s probably what I love most about being comfortable alone. Silence doesn’t make me uncomfortable.

An empty calendar doesn’t scare me.

A Saturday night at home doesn’t automatically make me think I should be somewhere.

Sometimes I want to be around everybody. I love my family. I love my friends. I love going out to dinner, being outside, traveling, laughing, having drinks, doing something spontaneous and having a house full of people.

And sometimes I want everybody to go home. 😂

Both can be true.

I’ve created a life that has room for both.

I can be incredibly social and still need time where nobody needs anything from me. And the older I get, the more I’ve realized that I don’t even necessarily need to be doing something productive with that time.

I don’t have to earn being alone.

I don’t need to say, “I’m staying home because I have things to get done.”

Nope.

Sometimes I’m staying home because I want to stay home.

That’s enough.

There is a slightly dangerous part of becoming this comfortable with your own company, though. You become protective of it.

Not in a dramatic way. I don’t think everyone is coming to disturb my peace. But when you know you’re perfectly capable of being happy by yourself, you’re much more aware of how someone’s presence makes you feel.

I think that’s true of every relationship in life, not just romantic ones.

I gravitate toward people whose company feels easy. People I don’t have to perform for. People who don’t take it personally if I’m quiet, change my mind or disappear into my own little world for a while.

People who can want my company without making me feel responsible for theirs.

That’s really all I need to say about that.

Because this isn’t actually about relationships.

It’s about the relationship I’ve built with myself.

I think there’s something really freeing about knowing that you don’t need to constantly fill your life.

You don’t need plans every weekend.

You don’t need somebody sitting next to you.

You don’t need a reason to go somewhere alone, and you don’t need an excuse to stay home.

Sometimes you can just wake up and ask yourself, “What do I feel like doing today?”

For someone who spent so many years raising kids, working, taking care of things, coordinating schedules and having other people depending on her, there’s something pretty great about finally having days where the answer only has to work for me.

Maybe that’s why I hate committing to plans too far in advance.

An open day doesn’t look lonely to me.

It looks like possibility.

Maybe I’ll go to the beach. Maybe I’ll go for a walk. Maybe I’ll write something. Maybe I’ll sit outside with my dogs. Maybe I’ll get in the car and end up somewhere I hadn’t planned.

Or maybe I’ll do absolutely nothing.

I genuinely don’t know yet.

I’ll let you know.

Posted in inner peace, inspiration, life, life experience, Uncategorized

I Stopped Carrying Everything

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

There’s been a shift in me lately.

My mind is quieter.

Not because life suddenly got easier. It didn’t. I still have problems, deadlines, responsibilities, and moments that test me. But somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that every thought deserved my attention.

I let thoughts come, and I let them go.

I think that’s one of the gifts of getting older, if you’re willing to learn from what life has been trying to teach you all along. You start realizing that forcing things rarely brings peace. Controlling every outcome is exhausting. And sometimes the greatest act of faith is simply letting go.

Every morning on my drive to work, I pray the Rosary.

I’m Catholic, and for me it isn’t about asking for things. It’s become my time for peace. It’s my way of grounding myself before the day begins. It reminds me that I’m not carrying everything alone. It helps me surrender the things that were never mine to control in the first place.

It has become my daily reset.

I used to spend so much time replaying conversations, worrying about outcomes, trying to solve every problem before it even existed. If something went wrong, I’d carry it with me all day.

Now, when a problem comes, I acknowledge it. I absorb it. If there’s a solution, I find it. If there isn’t, I accept that too.

Because I’ve learned that not every problem has an immediate answer.

Not every situation is mine to fix.

And not every burden belongs on my shoulders.

That realization has changed me.

I’ve also learned to enjoy my own company.

For a long time, I expected other people to make me feel important, chosen, or prioritized. Then one day I realized something that was hard to admit:

I wasn’t prioritizing myself.

Why was I expecting someone else to do what I wasn’t willing to do for myself?

That was a turning point.

Now I choose the things that bring me peace. I still work out, but not because I’m chasing a certain body anymore. I do it because it clears my mind. If my body needs sleep instead of a 5 a.m. workout, I sleep. The gym will still be there that evening.

I’ve stopped living by rigid rules that I created for myself.

Ironically, the less I’ve tried to control every detail, the more peaceful I’ve become.

Someone once said that expectations are the thief of joy.

I think there’s a lot of truth in that.

So much of my anxiety came from believing life had to unfold a certain way. That people had to respond a certain way. That relationships had to look a certain way. That plans had to happen on my timeline.

But that’s not my job.

My job is to show up. To do my best. To love well. To have faith. To solve what I can, release what I can’t, and trust that what’s meant for me doesn’t require me to force it.

I’m learning to exhale more.

To trust more.

To enjoy the life that’s happening instead of constantly trying to rearrange it.

And somewhere in all of that…

I found peace.

Posted in life, life experience, love

You Don’t Even Know My Favorite Color

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

Lately I’ve been wondering if I’m old-fashioned or if dating has genuinely changed that much. Maybe it’s a little of both.

For most of my adult life, dating wasn’t really at the forefront. I was raising children, building a career, paying bills, and trying to navigate whatever life decided to throw at me next. Sure, I dated here and there. I had one long, serious relationship. But if I’m being honest, my focus was somewhere else.

Now my children are adults, and for the first time in a very long time, I actually have room in my life for someone.

Not because I need someone.

Not because I’m looking for someone to save me.

And not because I’m sitting around dreaming about getting married or moving someone into my house.

I simply think it would be nice to have a person.

Someone to grab dinner with. Someone to go to concerts with. Someone to take a spontaneous weekend trip with. Someone I can call when something funny happens on the drive home from work. Not necessarily every day, because I’ve never been the type that needs constant communication, but someone who is my go-to person and for whom I am theirs.

The older I get, the more I realize that’s really what I’m looking for. Connection. Companionship. Someone to experience life with.

What surprises me is how difficult that seems to be.

Lately it feels like every conversation skips about ten chapters.

I meet someone. We exchange messages. Things seem normal. We talk about work, family, hobbies, maybe where we’re from. Then somehow, before they know anything meaningful about me, the conversation takes a hard left turn toward intimacy.

And every single time it happens, I have the same thought:

You don’t even know my favorite color.

How are we already here?

The funny thing is that I’m not a prude. Not even close. I’m a grown woman. I understand attraction. I understand chemistry. I understand that intimacy is an important part of a relationship. I don’t deny that at all.

What confuses me is why it seems to have become the starting point instead of something that develops naturally after people get to know one another.

The other day I had two separate interactions that left me scratching my head.

One was with a friend. Not even someone I was dating. Someone I’ve known, talked to, and genuinely enjoyed spending time with. Out of nowhere, the conversation crossed a line I wasn’t expecting. I remember sitting there thinking, “Wait… where did that come from?”

Then later that same day, a mutual friend added me on social media. The conversation started simple enough. We had mutual connections, he seemed familiar, and everything felt normal. Within no time at all, the conversation had turned into discussing all the things he would eventually like to do.

Eventually?

Sir, we haven’t even established whether I like pineapple on pizza.

By the end of the day I found myself wondering if this is just what dating has become.

Maybe my algorithm is listening to me. Maybe social media has me convinced everyone is experiencing the same thing. But when I scroll through my feed, I see countless people talking about modern dating, hookup culture, situationships, ghosting, and the frustration of trying to find something meaningful in a world that often seems more interested in instant gratification.

And maybe that’s what I’m struggling with.

Not that people want intimacy.

Not that attraction exists.

Not even that people have different goals.

It’s that curiosity seems to have disappeared.

Whatever happened to wanting to know someone?

What makes them laugh?

What they’ve been through?

What they care about?

What kind of life they’ve built?

What they’re afraid of?

What they’re hopeful for?

When did we stop being interested in discovering people and start trying to fast-forward to the ending?

For a long time, I would entertain those conversations even when they made me uncomfortable. Not because I wanted to have them, but because I was trying to be polite. I didn’t want to seem judgmental or uptight. I told myself maybe this was just how dating worked now.

The problem is that every time I ignored that little voice telling me something felt off, I ended up exactly where I didn’t want to be.

In situationships.

In confusion.

In relationships that never seemed to move forward.

In connections where there was plenty of chemistry but very little intention.

At some point I had to acknowledge that continuing to participate in something that wasn’t aligned with what I wanted wasn’t doing me any favors.

There’s a saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If I know I want something substantial, why would I continue entertaining conversations that immediately move away from that?

The truth is, those interactions no longer fulfill me.

Maybe ten years ago I would’ve viewed them differently. Maybe I would’ve laughed them off. Maybe I would’ve convinced myself they weren’t a big deal.

Today they feel exhausting.

What makes me sad is that I don’t think most people actually want less connection. I think they want more. I think most people genuinely want companionship, loyalty, support, and someone to share life with. Yet somewhere along the way, many of us became convinced that the quickest way to connection is through physical intimacy, when in reality the strongest connections I’ve ever experienced were built through trust, friendship, vulnerability, and time.

I still believe good people exist.

I still believe there are men who value getting to know a woman before trying to sleep with her.

I still believe there are people looking for something real.

What I struggle with sometimes is finding those people in the middle of all the noise.

Maybe I am old-fashioned.

Maybe I missed the memo.

Or maybe wanting someone to know my heart before discussing my body isn’t old-fashioned at all.

Maybe it’s exactly the kind of connection I’ve been looking for all along.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that if we’re discussing intimacy before you know my favorite color, we’re probably moving a little too fast.

Posted in life, life experience

Somewhere Between Hope and Expectation

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

Every day I find myself less and less trying to manipulate outcomes. I guess I needed to finally get here. It’s funny because for the longest time I thought this lesson was mostly about relationships. Learning not to force things, not to chase answers, and not to try to control how people show up in my life. The more I think about it though, the more I realize it has very little to do with relationships and a lot to do with life in general.

What I’ve noticed is that just when I think I’ve finally learned how to let go, life shows me another area where I’m still holding on.

And usually it’s somewhere I wasn’t expecting.

Lately, that has looked like me questioning the difference between hope and expectation. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t hope for things because hope can create expectations, and expectations often lead to disappointment. The other part of me thinks that without hope, what are we really looking forward to? Hope is what gets us excited about the future. It’s what helps us believe there are good things ahead even when we can’t see them yet.

I recently went on a trip and had an entire idea in my head about how the weekend would go. I wasn’t trying to manipulate anything or control anyone. I wasn’t sitting there with an agenda. I was simply hopeful. The reality, however, was different. There were competing attitudes, different personalities, tension at times, and moments that were honestly more stressful than I expected. Looking back, I can genuinely say I had a good time. There were great memories made, plenty of laughs, and moments I enjoyed.

Yet somehow the stressful moments seem to stand out more than they should.

As I’ve reflected on it, I’ve found myself wondering if the disappointment came from the trip itself or from the fact that it didn’t match the version I had already created in my head. I don’t really know the answer. What I do know is that this isn’t just about a vacation. There are a lot of areas in my life right now where I don’t know what’s next. There are things I’m praying about, things I’m hopeful for, and things I’d genuinely like to see happen.

The uncertainty can be uncomfortable.

Especially for someone who spent a lot of years trying to stay one step ahead of disappointment.

Maybe the lesson isn’t to stop hoping. Maybe the lesson is learning how to hope without becoming attached to a specific outcome. Maybe it’s okay to want things, pray for things, and look forward to things while still accepting that life may unfold differently than we imagined. I’m starting to think there is a difference between saying, “This is what I would love to happen,” and saying, “This is what has to happen for me to be okay.”

That’s the part I’m still learning.

I don’t have some profound answer or life-changing conclusion. If I’m being honest, I’m still trying to figure it out. What I do know is that life seems to keep asking me to loosen my grip a little more than I’m comfortable with. Maybe that’s what trust actually is. Not giving up on hope, but letting go of the need to control how the story unfolds.

Maybe peace isn’t found in knowing what’s coming next.

Maybe peace is trusting that whatever comes next, you’ll be okay.