They say the older you get, the more you lose your filter. Iām starting to think thatās bullshit.
I donāt think Iāve lost my filter at all. If anything, I think Iāve finally figured out that I donāt have to use it to protect everyone else from the discomfort they created.
When I think about myself when I was younger, there were so many times people said things to me that were justā¦ out of pocket. Not necessarily blatantly cruel or some huge insult that would obviously warrant a response. It was usually more subtle than that. A comment that went a little too far, an opinion nobody asked for, something judgmental disguised as a joke, or something personal enough to make me think, Why would you even say that to me?
And for whatever reason, my response was usually to be polite.
Someone would make me uncomfortable and somehow I would immediately go into damage-control mode to make sure they didnāt feel uncomfortable about making me uncomfortable. Iād laugh, explain myself, change the subject, or sometimes even join in on the joke. Apparently younger me was running a full-service emotional concierge desk. You just said something completely unnecessary to me? No worries, let me make sure this isnāt awkward for you.
I donāt know if I wasnāt confrontational or if I just thought being a good person meant always being gracious. Maybe it was a little of both. But somewhere along the way, that changed.
Not in a ānow I tell everybody to go f*ck themselvesā kind of way, although admittedly, the option feels much more available at 45. š Itās more that I finally realized I donāt owe someone a comfortable landing after they say something inappropriate to me.
One of the biggest things Iāve learned as Iāve gotten older is that I donāt always have to respond. Silence used to make me uncomfortable because I felt like I needed to fill the space. Now Iām perfectly fine letting it sit there. If someone says something inappropriate and waits for me to laugh, I donāt have to laugh. If someone asks something I donāt feel like answering, I donāt have to answer. If someone takes a conversation somewhere I never invited it to go, I can redirect it, ignore it completely, or simply leave the conversation where it is.
It sounds incredibly simple, but it took me years to learn.
Hereās a perfect example. Iām doing 75 Hard right now, so I recently told someone I wasnāt drinking for the next 75 days. I was explaining the challenge, which involves two workouts a day, eating healthy, no alcohol, reading, all the things. Somehow, out of everything I said, the word āhardā was apparently enough inspiration for him to respond, āYou had me at hard.ā Then he followed it up with, āSorry, Iām just horny.ā
Sir. š
What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? Where do we go from here? Because we certainly werenāt headed there before.
And listen, despite how often this subject somehow finds its way into my blogs lately, I swear I am not a prude. Sexual conversations donāt offend me. Flirting doesnāt offend me. I enjoy both when thereās mutual chemistry and the door has actually been opened for that kind of conversation. But randomly announcing that youāre horny in the middle of a completely unrelated conversation when we havenāt established anything remotely close to that dynamic is justā¦ strange. What would you like me to say? Congratulations? š
The younger version of me probably would have laughed or made some little joke back, not necessarily because I wanted the conversation to go there, but because I wouldnāt have wanted him to feel embarrassed. And when I really think about that, itās crazy. Why was I always so concerned about making someone else comfortable after they were the one who made the conversation uncomfortable?
This time I didnāt lecture him, tell him he was inappropriate, or turn it into some big thing. I simply didnāt pick up what he put down. I redirected the conversation right back to fitness and asked if he was still working out like he used to. That was it. We were going back to where the conversation belonged, and I wasnāt going to participate in taking it anywhere else.
And maybe heāll read this and realize Iām talking about him. If soā¦ well. š
But this really isnāt about him. That conversation just made me realize how differently I handle these situations now, and it extends far beyond dating or men making sexual comments.
I remember when my kids were little and someone in my life would make comments comparing my parenting to theirs. They would question a decision I made or make some comment that implied the way they did something was somehow better. Instead of simply standing behind my choices, I would laugh it off and then start explaining myself. Iād justify why I made a certain decision or give all the reasons behind it, almost as if I needed them to agree with me before I could feel confident in something that was mine to decide in the first place.
Looking back now, I wonder why I ever felt like I needed to do that. They werenāt raising my children. I was. I didnāt owe anybody a PowerPoint presentation with supporting documentation explaining my parenting decisions.
I think thatās one of those things age teaches you. You start realizing how much of your life youāve spent absorbing other peopleās behavior and then carrying it around long after the interaction was over. You replayed something somebody said while they probably went home and slept perfectly fine. You wondered if you were being too sensitive. You explained yourself to people who werenāt entitled to an explanation. You laughed at things you didnāt find funny and stayed in conversations you wanted to leave because somehow calling out the discomfort felt ruder than the person creating it.
Eventually, you realize how exhausting that is.
Maybe thatās what people mistake for losing your filter as you get older. Maybe we donāt lose it at all. Maybe we just stop filtering ourselves for everybody elseās benefit.
I still believe in being kind, and I still believe not everything deserves a reaction. I donāt think every uncomfortable comment requires a confrontation, and I certainly donāt believe in matching someoneās disrespect just because they gave it to me first. Iām not interested in an eye-for-an-eye way of living, and I donāt need to win every interaction.
Iāve just become much more selective about what deserves my energy.
If someone I love says something that hurts me, Iāll have the conversation because the relationship matters to me. If thereās something worth repairing, Iāll communicate. But not everyone gets that kind of access to me anymore. Sometimes Iāll call something out, sometimes Iāll redirect the conversation, and sometimes Iāll simply leave it exactly where it is.
And sometimes Iāll let the silence sit there long enough for you to hear what you just said.
Because your discomfort with my silence is no longer more important to me than my discomfort with your words.
So maybe age does make us less tolerant, but I donāt necessarily think thatās a bad thing. I think you just reach a point where you realize how much time youāve wasted worrying about things other people said, did, thought, or felt, and how often you sacrificed your own comfort to protect theirs.
Maybe wisdom isnāt becoming louder or more confrontational. Maybe itās simply knowing when something deserves your response and when it doesnāt.
I havenāt lost my filter.
Iāve just finally learned that I donāt have to make myself uncomfortable just to make someone else comfortable.
Affirmation Of Visions 