Today marks Day 21 in this self-reflection and self-awareness journey I’ve been on. I have the next three days off, originally intended for a trip to Boston to bring my son home from school. But life, in its beautiful unpredictability, allowed me to organize things differently. I didn’t have to go. And rather than giving those days back to work, I chose to keep them for myself. To pause. To breathe. To reflect.
It’s kind of wild when I sit and realize how much quieter the negative self-talk in my mind has become. The silence is unfamiliar but deeply welcome. I find myself okay, genuinely okay, just sitting in the lobby of life’s waiting room, not knowing what’s next, but no longer consumed by the uncertainty. There’s a peace in being present that I never used to feel.
I’ve been journaling a lot. And while I’m not going to pretend these reflective days are void of anxiety, there’s something magical in rereading past entries. I flip back a few days and see my own words, full of fear, doubt, or spiraling thoughts, and I realize how much of it was self-fabricated. Stories I told myself that never actually happened. Worries that never materialized. Reactions I didn’t need to have.
There’s one particular shift I’m proud of: instead of voicing every anxious thought to the person I’m dating or venting to my mom, who, as a parent, just ends up carrying my worry like it’s her own, I’ve turned to the page. And in doing so, I’ve stopped creating chaos around me that didn’t actually exist. My life isn’t chaotic. I just didn’t know how to sit with my emotions without offloading them onto someone else.
One entry I wrote on May 5 really stuck with me. I admitted something hard to say out loud: I have a tendency to be a “one-upper.” Not in the competitive sense, but in conversations with people I care about, especially someone I’m dating, I’d feel the need to share my own story in response to theirs. It wasn’t to overshadow them, but to relate. To say, “I see you, I’ve been there too.” But what I’ve realized is this: sometimes, just listening is enough. Sitting in their moment, without redirecting it to mine, is connection.
At the heart of that impulse was a quiet voice inside me saying, “If they see that I relate, they’ll see I’m worthy of love.” But the truth is, I don’t have to prove my worth. I just have to be present. And when I do that, I show people that I care. That I’m safe. That I’m here.
This is the kind of growth I want for myself. I want to be mentally well. I want a fulfilling, peaceful life. I want to break free from the habits and thoughts that anchor me or drive people away. And while I can acknowledge that the ones who left weren’t meant to stay, because I wasn’t being my whole self either — I also know I was attracting what aligned with the version of me that wasn’t happy.
But now? I want better. I want peace inside me, and peace in the relationship I build. And to get that, I know I have to be better. I have to love myself the way I want to be loved, honestly, deeply, consistently.
So here I am. Day 21, no longer counting just to count, but living each moment as it comes. And I can say, without hesitation, that I am a million times more at peace than I was when this all started.
Thank you for being part of this with me. If my words have helped you in any way, I hope you’ll stay with me as I continue down this path. Let’s keep growing, together.
Affirmation Of Visions 