Category: love

Posted in life, life experience, love

What Heartbreak Shouldn’t Take From You

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

I know some of my writing lately has probably sounded like I’m tooting my own horn about my kids. I’m really not. I think I’m just at this stage where they’re old enough to show me who they’ve become, and every once in a while one of them says something that makes me realize, Wow. They really were listening.

Today was one of those days.

Last year, my son dated someone he really cared about. He went into it with his whole heart. He planned beautiful dates, opened doors, was thoughtful, brought her around his family and gave her a real place in his life. He did all the things that came naturally to him when he cared about someone.

But somehow, he constantly felt like none of it was enough.

When it ended, he was devastated. I remember him going back to school telling me he would never do it again. No more beautiful dates. No more going above and beyond. No more letting someone that far into his life. He wasn’t going to be that guy anymore.

And I got angry.

Not at him, but because someone had hurt him badly enough to make him believe that the problem was how he loved.

I remember telling him, absolutely not. You are not going to let one person change the man you are.

And maybe I felt so strongly about it because I knew exactly what happens to the person who comes next.

I feel like I have spent much of my adult life being that person. I’ve met men after the heartbreak, after the betrayal, after the woman who made them decide they would never give that much again. Then I came along wanting something pretty simple: someone who was proud to have me in his life, who wanted me around his family, planned a date sometimes, was romantic, made memories with me and, in time, wasn’t afraid to give me a real place in his world.

No whirlwind. No instant promises. Just someone willing to eventually love me without making me pay for what somebody else did.

And so many times, I met people who had already decided they weren’t doing that anymore.

For a long time, it made me wonder if I was just hard to love. As I’ve gotten older, I realize that isn’t it. I know what I bring into someone’s life, and I know how much love I have to give. I just kept meeting people who were afraid to give theirs again.

That’s what I needed my son to understand.

Take your time. Be selective. Make people earn access to the deepest parts of you. Learn the difference between chemistry and character and pay attention to how someone treats your heart.

But don’t change your heart because somebody mishandled it.

Because someday another woman may come along who had absolutely nothing to do with what happened to you. She may have spent years hoping to meet exactly the kind of man you are. How unfair would it be for her to finally find you and receive half of you because somebody before her didn’t appreciate the whole?

Today, almost a year later, my son told me about a conversation he had with a friend. He said he found himself giving him the same advice I had given him.

He told him that he had learned to take his time and be more careful about who he gives his heart to, but he will never let someone change the way he loves. When he chooses someone, he is going to love the way he loves, and if that’s too much for her, then she isn’t his person.

That made me proud.

Not because I had all the answers, but because he understood the difference between learning from hurt and becoming hurt.

And maybe that’s the part worth sharing.

So many of us meet someone after someone else has broken them. We end up trying to prove that we’re different, trying to earn things we never took away in the first place, and accepting half-love because somebody before us made them afraid to give the whole thing again.

Then we get hurt.

And if we’re not careful, we do the exact same thing to the next person.

At some point, somebody has to break that cycle.

Protect your heart. Take your time. Have boundaries. Walk away when someone shows you they aren’t deserving of what you have to give.

But if you aren’t ready to love someone, don’t invite them into your life and make them pay for wounds they didn’t create.

And when you are ready, love like yourself.

Whoever hurt you already took enough.

Don’t let them take the best parts of you too.

Posted in life, life experience, love

Some Choices Make More Sense Years Later

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

I overheard a conversation recently that really had nothing to do with me, but it stayed with me long after it was over. It was about custody schedules, relationships, traveling, and trying to figure out how all of those pieces fit together. Nothing particularly dramatic, just real life. But at some point, I found myself thinking, This. This is exactly why I made some of the choices I made when my kids were little.

I spent most of my children’s childhood single. And when I say that, I don’t mean I never dated. I did. I met people, went to dinner, and tried at different points to make room for that part of my life. But there was always one problem: my children were completely non-negotiable.

I don’t just mean that in the obvious way that most parents would say their children come first. I mean their time with me was non-negotiable. Their access to me was non-negotiable. If they needed me, I was going. I can remember being on a date and getting a call that one of my kids wasn’t feeling well and wanted to come home to me. There was never a debate in my head about what I should do or a thought of, But I already have plans. My plans changed.

Eventually, I realized something that I actually think was very fair to everyone involved. I probably wasn’t capable of being a great partner during that season of my life, because another person deserves to matter too. They deserve someone who can occasionally choose them, someone who can make plans and protect those plans, and someone who can build a life with them without constantly making them feel like they are in second place. With me, during those years, they would have been. Every single time.

That doesn’t make me a better mother than someone who chose differently. It doesn’t mean divorced parents shouldn’t date, fall in love, remarry, travel, or build beautiful blended families. Plenty of people do exactly that and raise incredibly happy children. This is simply something I knew about myself and what I was capable of giving at that point in my life.

When I decided to become a mother, I did it believing I was building a family where my children would be with me every day. I never imagined divorce. I never imagined custody schedules, and I certainly never imagined having to negotiate pieces of their childhood around another relationship. Divorce changed that reality for me, so when their father had his time with them, I respected it. But I never wanted to start looking at the time I had with them as something I needed to rearrange so my romantic life could be more convenient.

There were times people didn’t understand that. Why couldn’t the kids just stay with their dad an extra night? Why couldn’t I change weekends? Why couldn’t I make a trip work? Why couldn’t someone else keep them? Technically, I probably could have done all of those things. I just didn’t want to.

What I didn’t fully understand then was how quickly those years were disappearing. There would eventually be plenty of Friday nights when nobody needed me. There would eventually be weekends when nobody was asking what we were doing. There would eventually be vacations they couldn’t take because they had school, work, girlfriends, friends, responsibilities, and lives of their own. There would eventually be a time when I could get on a plane without coordinating anyone else’s schedule.

I live in that time now.

And maybe that’s why that conversation stayed with me. Looking back, I understand something I probably couldn’t fully articulate then: I wasn’t putting my life on hold for my children. That was my life. Being their mom wasn’t the thing keeping me from living. It was the thing I had chosen to live fully during that season.

Of course there were sacrifices attached to that choice. Maybe I missed relationships that could have become something. Maybe there were people who would have loved me well. Maybe there were trips I could have taken, dinners I could have attended, and experiences I could have had. I’ll never really know, but I know what I did have.

I had ordinary Tuesdays. I had sick kids crawling into my bed. I had Friday nights when nobody had anywhere better to be. I had rides in the car, dinners at home, ridiculous conversations, last-minute plans, and the thousand completely unremarkable moments that somehow become the ones you miss the most.

Now my kids are grown. They don’t need me the way they once did, and my time belongs mostly to me again. I can date. I can travel. I can make plans without checking a custody calendar. I can build a relationship differently today because I’m in a completely different season of motherhood.

Strangely enough, I don’t look back at those years and feel like I lost anything. If anything, hearing that conversation made me realize how certain I still am about the choice I made. I didn’t choose being alone because I didn’t believe in love. I chose not to force romantic love into a season of my life where I knew I wasn’t willing to give it the space it deserved.

My children had that space, and for me, that was exactly where it belonged.

Posted in life, life experience, love, Self Improvement

Sometimes the Kindest Thing Is a No

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about honesty.

Not the dramatic kind. Not confess-your-deepest-secrets honesty. Just the very simple kind where you stop trying to manage everyone else’s feelings long enough to be honest about your own.

And apparently, I’m still learning this one.

I’ve realized that one of my patterns over the years has been staying in things longer than I should because I don’t want to hurt someone.

I’ve continued conversations I already knew weren’t going anywhere. I’ve gone on another date because someone was nice and I thought, What’s the harm? I’ve convinced myself that maybe attraction would grow, maybe I was being too picky, maybe I should give someone more of a chance.

And sometimes that “one more chance” has turned into a lot more than one more chance.

I once stayed in a relationship for two and a half years that, if I’m being completely truthful with myself, started with me trying to talk myself into feelings that weren’t really there.

Two and a half years.

That’s a pretty long time to learn that lesson.

And the person wasn’t a bad person. That’s actually what makes these situations harder. It’s easy to walk away when someone treats you terribly. It’s much harder when they’re kind. When they’re interested. When conversation is easy. When you can see all the reasons you should like them.

Except your gut quietly keeps saying, But I don’t.

Recently, I found myself standing at the beginning of that familiar road again.

There was good conversation. A genuinely good person. Nothing “wrong” that I could point to. I enjoyed spending time with him.

But I knew.

There wasn’t a romantic connection for me.

And the old version of me probably would have kept talking. Maybe gone out again. Let things play out a little longer because I knew the other person was interested and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

Except I’ve finally realized something:

Leading someone on because you don’t want to hurt them isn’t actually kindness.

It’s just delayed hurt.

And usually, it’s worse later.

Because eventually a relationship needs more than two people who think highly of each other. Attraction matters. Chemistry matters. Wanting to touch someone matters. Wanting them to touch you matters. That doesn’t make anyone shallow.

I think we’ve heard “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” so many times that we’re almost afraid to admit that attraction has a place too.

Of course the inside matters. To me, it matters first.

Do I like who you are as a human being? Are you kind? Do I respect you? Can we talk? Can we laugh? Do I feel safe being myself around you?

But somewhere shortly after that comes another question:

Am I attracted to you?

And I don’t mean, Would other people think you’re attractive?

Those are two completely different questions.

Someone can be objectively good-looking and do absolutely nothing for you. Someone else may not fit anyone’s definition of a supermodel and somehow you can’t stop looking at them.

Attraction is personal. And it doesn’t require a defense.

What I’m learning is that I don’t have to turn someone into a villain to justify not wanting a relationship with them.

That’s been a big one for me.

Nothing has to be wrong.

They don’t have to say something terrible. They don’t have to disappoint me. They don’t have to give me a reason to leave.

Sometimes the reason is simply:

This isn’t it for me.

And that’s enough.

So instead of slowly pulling away, becoming less responsive, hoping the other person would figure it out, or continuing something because I felt guilty, I chose honesty.

Kind honesty.

The kind that says, I enjoyed spending time with you. I think you’re a genuinely good person. But I don’t feel a romantic connection, and I don’t want to continue talking in a way that makes you believe this is heading somewhere that I know, in my heart, it isn’t.

Was that probably disappointing to hear?

Yes.

But disappointment isn’t cruelty.

And I think I’ve confused those two things before.

I’ve been on the other side too. I’ve wondered why someone’s energy changed. I’ve replayed conversations trying to figure out what I said. I’ve wondered what happened between Tuesday, when everything seemed great, and Thursday, when suddenly I was getting responses that felt like they were coming from a customer service representative.

That uncertainty can mess with you far more than a simple truth.

Tell me I’m not your type.

Tell me the chemistry isn’t there.

Tell me you’re looking for something different.

Tell me you like me as a person but don’t see me romantically.

Will my ego love it?

Probably not.

But give me a couple of hours. I’ll survive.

What I don’t want anymore, on either side, is ambiguity created solely because someone is afraid to be honest.

Now, I still reserve the right to disappear when somebody says something so wildly inappropriate that my only reasonable response is to return myself to the witness protection program.

Growth has limits.

But when someone has been respectful and genuine with me, I want to offer that same respect back.

Because I’m trying to live more intentionally now, and I think intention applies to dating too. I don’t want to keep saying yes because no feels uncomfortable. I don’t want to occupy someone’s time while secretly knowing I can’t give them what they’re looking for. And I definitely don’t want to occupy my own time that way either. Because here’s the other part of this that I hadn’t really considered before:

Every time I stay in something I already know isn’t right because I’m afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, I’m also delaying my own life.

I’m filling space.

I’m giving energy to something I already know I don’t want and then wondering why what I do want hasn’t found its way to me.

I don’t know what my future looks like. I don’t know who I’ll eventually meet or when I’ll meet him.

But I do know I’m no longer interested in prolonging my destiny by staying in situations my gut has already answered for me.

Sometimes living with intention isn’t about knowing exactly what you want.

Sometimes it’s simply having enough courage to say:

This is good.

You’re good.

But this isn’t mine.

And maybe that’s not rejection as much as it is respect, for both people.

Posted in life, love, Uncategorized

🥈 Confessions of a Frequent Blocker 😂

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

Dating is definitely not what it used to be.

I genuinely don’t know what women some of these men have been talking to because somewhere along the way they got way too comfortable.

People ask me all the time, “You really blocked him for that?”

Absolutely.

And before anyone says, “Maybe you just weren’t attracted to them…”

No.

Obviously, I was interested enough to answer the phone, reply to the text, or keep the conversation going.

Every single one of these men had a shot.

Then… they started talking.

I blocked a guy because…

I told him I had to get off the phone to take a shower.

His response?

“Can I join you?”

Sir…

We’ve been talking for 17 minutes.

Blocked.

I blocked a guy because…

During our very first conversation, he wanted to know how quickly I’d move in with someone because physical touch and emotional connection are important to him.

Slow down, Zillow.

We haven’t even established whether we’d enjoy eating dinner together.

Blocked.

I blocked a guy because…

Our first conversation somehow turned into him telling me about all the women he used to hook up with when he lived in Miami.

Then, without skipping a beat, he told me his 21-year-old daughter sometimes walks around naked because they’re “just comfortable like that.”

I…

What?

Blocked.

I blocked a guy because…

We had only texted.

Never talked on the phone.

Never met.

I told him I was spending the day at the beach with my family.

His response?

“Send me pictures. I’m sure you’ll look hot with a tan.”

Sir…

We’re still in the “I barely know your last name” stage.

Blocked.

I blocked a guy because…

He casually mentioned he didn’t currently have a place to live and was couch surfing.

I truly wish you the best.

Just… from someone else’s couch.

Blocked.

I blocked a guy because…

He proudly told me he doesn’t speak to anyone in his family.

I know every situation is different, and there are always exceptions.

But life has taught me to pay attention when someone says that like it’s no big deal.

Blocked.

I blocked a guy because…

He sent me an unsolicited body picture.

It’s honestly fascinating to me that some men wake up and think,

“You know what’s really going to impress her?”

Spoiler alert…

It wasn’t.

Blocked.

I blocked a guy because…

Mind you, we’d been talking for all of… one day.

I posted a video of my family hanging out at the pool.

His message?

“Next time, point the camera a little lower… under the waist.”

Somehow you watched a family video and thought,

“This is the perfect time to make it sexual.”

Blocked.

The crazy part?

None of these men got blocked because I wasn’t attracted to them. Obviously, I was talking to them for a reason.

They got blocked because they skipped right over getting to know me and went straight to… whatever all that was.

Maybe it works.

I honestly don’t know.

But judging by my conversations with friends, the comments on social media, and about half of TikTok, I’m starting to think we’re all out here meeting the same people.

Which leaves me with one question…

Who is telling these guys this is a good idea?

Because somewhere, there has to be a woman who responded to,

“Can I join you in the shower?”

or

“Move the camera a little lower…”

with,

“Wow… this is exactly the mature, emotionally intelligent man I’ve been waiting for.”

And honestly…

I’d just like to meet her.

Posted in life, life experience, love

You Don’t Even Know My Favorite Color

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

Lately I’ve been wondering if I’m old-fashioned or if dating has genuinely changed that much. Maybe it’s a little of both.

For most of my adult life, dating wasn’t really at the forefront. I was raising children, building a career, paying bills, and trying to navigate whatever life decided to throw at me next. Sure, I dated here and there. I had one long, serious relationship. But if I’m being honest, my focus was somewhere else.

Now my children are adults, and for the first time in a very long time, I actually have room in my life for someone.

Not because I need someone.

Not because I’m looking for someone to save me.

And not because I’m sitting around dreaming about getting married or moving someone into my house.

I simply think it would be nice to have a person.

Someone to grab dinner with. Someone to go to concerts with. Someone to take a spontaneous weekend trip with. Someone I can call when something funny happens on the drive home from work. Not necessarily every day, because I’ve never been the type that needs constant communication, but someone who is my go-to person and for whom I am theirs.

The older I get, the more I realize that’s really what I’m looking for. Connection. Companionship. Someone to experience life with.

What surprises me is how difficult that seems to be.

Lately it feels like every conversation skips about ten chapters.

I meet someone. We exchange messages. Things seem normal. We talk about work, family, hobbies, maybe where we’re from. Then somehow, before they know anything meaningful about me, the conversation takes a hard left turn toward intimacy.

And every single time it happens, I have the same thought:

You don’t even know my favorite color.

How are we already here?

The funny thing is that I’m not a prude. Not even close. I’m a grown woman. I understand attraction. I understand chemistry. I understand that intimacy is an important part of a relationship. I don’t deny that at all.

What confuses me is why it seems to have become the starting point instead of something that develops naturally after people get to know one another.

The other day I had two separate interactions that left me scratching my head.

One was with a friend. Not even someone I was dating. Someone I’ve known, talked to, and genuinely enjoyed spending time with. Out of nowhere, the conversation crossed a line I wasn’t expecting. I remember sitting there thinking, “Wait… where did that come from?”

Then later that same day, a mutual friend added me on social media. The conversation started simple enough. We had mutual connections, he seemed familiar, and everything felt normal. Within no time at all, the conversation had turned into discussing all the things he would eventually like to do.

Eventually?

Sir, we haven’t even established whether I like pineapple on pizza.

By the end of the day I found myself wondering if this is just what dating has become.

Maybe my algorithm is listening to me. Maybe social media has me convinced everyone is experiencing the same thing. But when I scroll through my feed, I see countless people talking about modern dating, hookup culture, situationships, ghosting, and the frustration of trying to find something meaningful in a world that often seems more interested in instant gratification.

And maybe that’s what I’m struggling with.

Not that people want intimacy.

Not that attraction exists.

Not even that people have different goals.

It’s that curiosity seems to have disappeared.

Whatever happened to wanting to know someone?

What makes them laugh?

What they’ve been through?

What they care about?

What kind of life they’ve built?

What they’re afraid of?

What they’re hopeful for?

When did we stop being interested in discovering people and start trying to fast-forward to the ending?

For a long time, I would entertain those conversations even when they made me uncomfortable. Not because I wanted to have them, but because I was trying to be polite. I didn’t want to seem judgmental or uptight. I told myself maybe this was just how dating worked now.

The problem is that every time I ignored that little voice telling me something felt off, I ended up exactly where I didn’t want to be.

In situationships.

In confusion.

In relationships that never seemed to move forward.

In connections where there was plenty of chemistry but very little intention.

At some point I had to acknowledge that continuing to participate in something that wasn’t aligned with what I wanted wasn’t doing me any favors.

There’s a saying that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. If I know I want something substantial, why would I continue entertaining conversations that immediately move away from that?

The truth is, those interactions no longer fulfill me.

Maybe ten years ago I would’ve viewed them differently. Maybe I would’ve laughed them off. Maybe I would’ve convinced myself they weren’t a big deal.

Today they feel exhausting.

What makes me sad is that I don’t think most people actually want less connection. I think they want more. I think most people genuinely want companionship, loyalty, support, and someone to share life with. Yet somewhere along the way, many of us became convinced that the quickest way to connection is through physical intimacy, when in reality the strongest connections I’ve ever experienced were built through trust, friendship, vulnerability, and time.

I still believe good people exist.

I still believe there are men who value getting to know a woman before trying to sleep with her.

I still believe there are people looking for something real.

What I struggle with sometimes is finding those people in the middle of all the noise.

Maybe I am old-fashioned.

Maybe I missed the memo.

Or maybe wanting someone to know my heart before discussing my body isn’t old-fashioned at all.

Maybe it’s exactly the kind of connection I’ve been looking for all along.

I don’t know.

What I do know is that if we’re discussing intimacy before you know my favorite color, we’re probably moving a little too fast.