Category: life

Posted in inspiration, life, life experience, love

Day 21 — A Reflection on Self-Awareness and Peace

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

Today marks Day 21 in this self-reflection and self-awareness journey I’ve been on. I have the next three days off, originally intended for a trip to Boston to bring my son home from school. But life, in its beautiful unpredictability, allowed me to organize things differently. I didn’t have to go. And rather than giving those days back to work, I chose to keep them for myself. To pause. To breathe. To reflect.

It’s kind of wild when I sit and realize how much quieter the negative self-talk in my mind has become. The silence is unfamiliar but deeply welcome. I find myself okay, genuinely okay, just sitting in the lobby of life’s waiting room, not knowing what’s next, but no longer consumed by the uncertainty. There’s a peace in being present that I never used to feel.

I’ve been journaling a lot. And while I’m not going to pretend these reflective days are void of anxiety, there’s something magical in rereading past entries. I flip back a few days and see my own words, full of fear, doubt, or spiraling thoughts, and I realize how much of it was self-fabricated. Stories I told myself that never actually happened. Worries that never materialized. Reactions I didn’t need to have.

There’s one particular shift I’m proud of: instead of voicing every anxious thought to the person I’m dating or venting to my mom, who, as a parent, just ends up carrying my worry like it’s her own, I’ve turned to the page. And in doing so, I’ve stopped creating chaos around me that didn’t actually exist. My life isn’t chaotic. I just didn’t know how to sit with my emotions without offloading them onto someone else.

One entry I wrote on May 5 really stuck with me. I admitted something hard to say out loud: I have a tendency to be a “one-upper.” Not in the competitive sense, but in conversations with people I care about, especially someone I’m dating, I’d feel the need to share my own story in response to theirs. It wasn’t to overshadow them, but to relate. To say, “I see you, I’ve been there too.” But what I’ve realized is this: sometimes, just listening is enough. Sitting in their moment, without redirecting it to mine, is connection.

At the heart of that impulse was a quiet voice inside me saying, “If they see that I relate, they’ll see I’m worthy of love.” But the truth is, I don’t have to prove my worth. I just have to be present. And when I do that, I show people that I care. That I’m safe. That I’m here.

This is the kind of growth I want for myself. I want to be mentally well. I want a fulfilling, peaceful life. I want to break free from the habits and thoughts that anchor me or drive people away. And while I can acknowledge that the ones who left weren’t meant to stay, because I wasn’t being my whole self either — I also know I was attracting what aligned with the version of me that wasn’t happy.

But now? I want better. I want peace inside me, and peace in the relationship I build. And to get that, I know I have to be better. I have to love myself the way I want to be loved, honestly, deeply, consistently.

So here I am. Day 21, no longer counting just to count, but living each moment as it comes. And I can say, without hesitation, that I am a million times more at peace than I was when this all started.

Thank you for being part of this with me. If my words have helped you in any way, I hope you’ll stay with me as I continue down this path. Let’s keep growing, together.

Posted in inspiration, life, life experience, love, Self Improvement

A Day for Me

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

Today, I did something I hadn’t done in a long time — I took a day just for myself. Not a day off to run errands or help someone else. A real day for me.

I woke up early, went to the gym, packed some fruits and water, and headed straight to the beach. It’s Good Friday, so out of respect for my Catholic upbringing, I avoided playing any music. Still, I enjoyed the music that floated around me from others nearby. It might seem extreme to some, but honoring these traditions grounds me, and today, it helped set a reflective tone.

It turned into a day of deep self-reflection. I enjoyed the sunshine, the salty breeze, and even managed to get a nice tan. But I’ll be honest — there were moments when loneliness crept in. I fought hard to push those feelings aside, reminding myself that it’s okay to feel them but not to let them take over.

I found myself thinking a lot about the man I was recently dating — how he went from sweet messages saying he was thinking of me to complete silence. His excuse? “A lot on his plate.” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that. It’s disappointing, but I recognize this as a season of growth. I’m trying to talk about these things, to face them, and learn from them rather than shut down.

Part of me wonders if I should love differently next time to protect myself — maybe be a little colder, a little more reserved. But that’s not who I am. Affection is part of me, and it says more about my heart than it does about how it’s received. I’m learning that.

The truth is, I crave a real connection. Sometimes, I wonder if it even exists or if the love I see others share is just a fantasy. Either way, I’m holding onto hope that one day I’ll find love that feels safe and steady. I refuse to let this small heartbreak send me spiraling the way it has in the past. I’m allowing myself to feel the sadness, but I’m not letting it consume me. It’s taking effort — real, heavy effort.

When I got home from the beach, my first instinct was to crawl into bed and sleep the feelings away. But instead, I chose myself again: I showered, dried my hair, got dressed, and took myself to the ale house for a glass of wine and an early dinner. Later, I might even change and hit the gym for another session. Who knows?

What matters is that I’m embracing this journey, not blaming myself for things beyond my control. I have to trust that God’s grace is at work — protecting me from something that might have broken me even more if I’d gotten in too deep. For that, I’m grateful.

Until next time, readers — thank you for walking through this with me.

Posted in life, life experience, love, Self Improvement

Learning to Love Beyond Survival

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

This week, a realization hit me hard: I tend to love from a place of survival.

Every time I begin to date someone new, these old insecurities creep in, almost uninvited. I find myself overwhelmed by an intense fear of abandonment — a fear that I now recognize didn’t come from my parents (who were wonderful and loving). I didn’t grow up with “daddy issues” or anything like that. But something substantial happened to me when I was four years old — something I truly believe shaped me in ways I’m only now beginning to fully understand. That early experience planted deep, rooted insecurities that have followed me into adulthood.

Failed relationships, unexpected goodbyes, and emotional abandonment have all carved their marks on me. And now, I see how I often enter new relationships already bracing for the end — trying to fix things that aren’t even broken yet. I catch myself diving into deep conversations prematurely, handing over parts of my heart before someone has truly earned that intimacy. I realize that in trying to show my worth to others, I sometimes forget the worth I already carry within myself. I sell the person I am, desperately trying to prove that I deserve love — and in doing so, I unintentionally push people away.

It’s not to say that the ones who’ve left my life should have stayed. Honestly, I haven’t met anyone yet who truly deserved to. But I am at a place now where I no longer want to just survive relationships — I want to be at peace within myself.

At the start of this year, my uncle told me, “You cannot be afraid to love.” At the time, I laughed. I thought, Me? Afraid of love? Never. But a few encounters this year have humbled me. They made me realize that the fear of love isn’t about giving love; it’s about giving your heart away and fearing it will be shattered. It’s about wondering if simply being yourself is enough to be loved.

At the beginning of the year, I created a vision board centered around love. Naively, I thought maybe love would just show up — like magic. But it’s not that simple. In the past, when I made vision boards about money, career growth, or education, those things didn’t just fall into my lap either. They took work. They took going back to school, applying to new jobs, learning new skills. The vision board was the roadmap; the work was what made it real.

And love, I realize now, is no different.

If I want the kind of love I’ve envisioned — the kind my heart quietly longs for — I have to do the inner work. I have to heal the parts of me that still believe I’m not enough.

So here I am:
April 17, 2025.
Ready to heal.
Ready to change.

In the spirit of reflection, I’ve turned off my social media and embraced quiet. It’s Holy Thursday, leading into Good Friday — a time when, in my Catholic faith, even music falls silent. This sacred silence has forced me to sit with my thoughts — no distractions, no noise. And after a week of practicing this stillness, something beautiful has happened:
I can hear the birds again.
I can finally hear myself again.

I want to do the work.
I will do the work.
I want to be happy — and I will be happy.

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Posted in inspiration, life, life experience

Larger Dreams

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

I am not publishing this one for a while. I just want to put on paper my new chapter desires so I can use this to refer back to and even guide me to achieve them.- Update 7-22-2025- Published public… so much has changed!

I have spent most of my life living out the dreams of other people. I am not saying I regret a lot of what I lived. As an example, I enjoyed being in band all throughout high school, but I was mostly chasing my brother. I wanted to share that experience with him and in doing that, I made some wonderful friends. What would have been of my life had I joined the girls’ basketball team when my friend invited me to try out? What would have happened if I had told my mom that despite her not wanting me to leave, I REALLY wanted to go to FSU? What would have happened if I never quit Amadeus to run my ex’s plant nursery? Would I have held a higher role in HR today?  Bottom line is, what would have happened if I followed my heart?

In addition to this, I think about how all my prayers all these years as a single mom were for God to provide me with enough to support my children. He did do that. There was never a want that they had that I could not provide. I put them through private school, paid for every sport they wanted to participate in, and bought every meal they craved (within reason of course). However, in all of that, I always excluded the request for enough to be able to provide for myself. I haven’t ever really had the wiggle room to buy myself whatever clothes I want without having to move money from one place to another to make it happen. I don’t get bi-weekly manicures or get my hair highlighted on the regular.  I have never been able to take a nice vacation with my children because I didn’t truly have the money for the luxuries. If I did take them somewhere (like the beach) it was on a credit card or not paying for something knowing that the next few checks would leave me a slim chance of purchasing anything more than the bare necessities.  I have never lived a check where I don’t have to penny-pinch thinking about how I could stretch that to get me to the next one. For example, thinking “I have $280 until next week but I have to pump gas at some point, the water bill comes out on Thursday, and I have to have enough to buy groceries on Sunday”. The rough calculation reminded me that I really can’t take everyone to the movies because a $60 movie day will leave me negative before my next check.

The reason I am recapping all of this is because my new prayers are different. I want a job that fulfills me. I no longer want a job to “have enough”. I want a job that brings me joy. Managers that respect my knowledge. A job that I look forward to every day.  I want this job to pay me so well that I can buy whatever clothes I want without the worry if I will have enough for my obligations. I want to be able to plan a vacation for the summer and pay for it without credit card debt. I want to be able to fully pay Brandon’s housing, so we never have to pull out a loan. I don’t want to have to worry about how I can pay for everything else if I do pay this out of pocket. I want this job to give me the opportunity to save a whole mortgage payment a month on the off chance that I ever need emergency money.

I want to feel fulfillment in my life, and it all starts with knowing that it’s ok to ask for more. I tend to sell myself short because I worry that asking for more means other people are losing out. However, it’s ok to dream big. It’s okay to throw your desires in the air and be selfish with what you think you deserve. At the end of the day, how does God know your true desires if you constantly suppress them? It’s okay to wish and dream. God may just agree you are deserving and provide it all.  

Posted in Emptynesting, life, life experience

Empty Nest

Posted on by affirmationofvisions

Years ago I remember calculating how old I would be when my kids graduated high school. I remember thinking, “wow, I will be 42. I will still be so young with an empty nest.” Just the thought made me sad thinking about what my life would be like and how empty it would be. Fast forward to 42, and I have one leaving home to go to Boston for college while the other stays to go to school here. Thankfully, I won’t have a completely empty home, but surely half of my heart will be missing. I am excited for their new venture. I know they both will go on to do big things. That being said, knowing that my life is drastically different feels so empty. No more running around to take them to practice or to try to make it to a game directly after work. My days are now about me. Work, home, work, home… that is the routine. So, I find myself these days trying to circle back to my method of ‘coping to change’ by finding the silver lining. For example, reminding myself that I will have time to put my needs first. If I am invited somewhere to do something that interests me, I will no longer have to look at a calendar to confirm my kids don’t have anything scheduled. I can travel and do things I want to do without feeling the guilt that I am taking away from time with my kids. My whole life I put these things on hold because I didn’t want to miss any part of their life. However, now I have time. That being said, I really wish I could hold on to them little. If you ask me, I prefer a life on hold because it means my favorite people are experiencing it with me.

I realize it is time to reinvent myself and see what I want to invest my time in. Something that fulfills me. I know I will figure out what this is. For now, I will enjoy the last 31 days of my youngest born home with me. I will put my life and days on hold for any slim chance that he is home so that I can enjoy every minute of what is left. Life is changing and I am coping.