I am probably the biggest “I’ll let you know” person you will ever meet. Ask me on a Monday if I want to do something Saturday and there is a very good chance that will be my answer.

It’s not that I don’t want to go. I genuinely might. I just don’t know how Saturday-me is going to feel yet, and I don’t like having every minute of my life planned in advance. Maybe I’ll wake up wanting to go to the beach. Maybe I’ll want to be outside all day. Maybe I’ll want to go to dinner. Maybe I’ll want to stay home with my dogs and not speak to another human being.

How am I supposed to know that on Monday?

I’ve heard this is a Libra thing, and whether or not that’s actually true, I’ve decided to accept it as fact because it takes some of the responsibility off me. 😂

The only thing I will pretty much guarantee you is the gym. That’s happening. The gym is my sanity and one of the few things I genuinely build my day around. No matter what else is going on in my life, that’s my time to reset, move my body and do something for myself.

Everything else? I’ll let you know.

The funny thing is, I don’t think I suddenly learned how to be alone as I got older. I’ve actually been pretty comfortable doing things by myself for a very long time. I think a lot of that started after my divorce. When my kids were little, obviously my life revolved around them, but I also learned very early that if I wanted to do something, I didn’t necessarily need another adult beside me to do it.

That stayed with me.

I’ll go somewhere by myself. I’ll take a walk. I’ll go to church. I’ll work out. I’ll go grab something to eat. I’ll sit outside. I’ll write. I’ll take myself wherever I feel like going. I love being around people too, but I’ve never been someone who needs to find somebody to accompany me just so I can do something.

I genuinely enjoy my own company.

And as my kids have gotten older and have their own lives, I think I’ve appreciated that freedom even more. For so many years, your time as a mom isn’t really your own. Somebody has practice, somebody needs a ride, somebody is hungry, somebody needs something from Target immediately even though apparently they knew about it for three weeks.

Then they grow up and suddenly you get pieces of your time back.

And I really like those pieces.

I like being able to decide what I feel like doing without taking a vote. I like changing my mind. I like waking up without an itinerary sometimes and seeing where the day takes me.

I think that’s also why I’ve realized that when I say I want “time to myself,” people might assume I mean I have other plans.

I usually don’t.

I’m not talking about girls’ night or having some packed social calendar. Sometimes I literally want a day where nobody expects me anywhere.

That’s the plan.

Maybe I’ll clean my house. Maybe I’ll write. Maybe I’ll go for a walk. Maybe I’ll randomly decide to go somewhere. Maybe I’ll sit on my couch for three hours and accomplish absolutely nothing.

I don’t need to know.

There’s something about having a completely open stretch of time that feels good to me. It’s not time that needs to be filled. It’s time I get to decide what to do with as I’m living it.

And then there are my dogs, which, quite frankly, have set an unreasonable standard for companionship.

They are always happy to see me. They never care if I change the plans. I can walk around my house looking like absolute hell and their enthusiasm for me remains completely unchanged.

But what I love most is that we can just be together.

I don’t have to entertain them and they don’t have to entertain me. I can be writing, watching TV, cleaning the house or doing absolutely nothing, and they’re just there. Their company fills my space and mine fills theirs.

There’s no pressure to fill the silence.

And I think that’s probably what I love most about being comfortable alone. Silence doesn’t make me uncomfortable.

An empty calendar doesn’t scare me.

A Saturday night at home doesn’t automatically make me think I should be somewhere.

Sometimes I want to be around everybody. I love my family. I love my friends. I love going out to dinner, being outside, traveling, laughing, having drinks, doing something spontaneous and having a house full of people.

And sometimes I want everybody to go home. 😂

Both can be true.

I’ve created a life that has room for both.

I can be incredibly social and still need time where nobody needs anything from me. And the older I get, the more I’ve realized that I don’t even necessarily need to be doing something productive with that time.

I don’t have to earn being alone.

I don’t need to say, “I’m staying home because I have things to get done.”

Nope.

Sometimes I’m staying home because I want to stay home.

That’s enough.

There is a slightly dangerous part of becoming this comfortable with your own company, though. You become protective of it.

Not in a dramatic way. I don’t think everyone is coming to disturb my peace. But when you know you’re perfectly capable of being happy by yourself, you’re much more aware of how someone’s presence makes you feel.

I think that’s true of every relationship in life, not just romantic ones.

I gravitate toward people whose company feels easy. People I don’t have to perform for. People who don’t take it personally if I’m quiet, change my mind or disappear into my own little world for a while.

People who can want my company without making me feel responsible for theirs.

That’s really all I need to say about that.

Because this isn’t actually about relationships.

It’s about the relationship I’ve built with myself.

I think there’s something really freeing about knowing that you don’t need to constantly fill your life.

You don’t need plans every weekend.

You don’t need somebody sitting next to you.

You don’t need a reason to go somewhere alone, and you don’t need an excuse to stay home.

Sometimes you can just wake up and ask yourself, “What do I feel like doing today?”

For someone who spent so many years raising kids, working, taking care of things, coordinating schedules and having other people depending on her, there’s something pretty great about finally having days where the answer only has to work for me.

Maybe that’s why I hate committing to plans too far in advance.

An open day doesn’t look lonely to me.

It looks like possibility.

Maybe I’ll go to the beach. Maybe I’ll go for a walk. Maybe I’ll write something. Maybe I’ll sit outside with my dogs. Maybe I’ll get in the car and end up somewhere I hadn’t planned.

Or maybe I’ll do absolutely nothing.

I genuinely don’t know yet.

I’ll let you know.