Today, I did something I hadn’t done in a long time — I took a day just for myself. Not a day off to run errands or help someone else. A real day for me.
I woke up early, went to the gym, packed some fruits and water, and headed straight to the beach. It’s Good Friday, so out of respect for my Catholic upbringing, I avoided playing any music. Still, I enjoyed the music that floated around me from others nearby. It might seem extreme to some, but honoring these traditions grounds me, and today, it helped set a reflective tone.
It turned into a day of deep self-reflection. I enjoyed the sunshine, the salty breeze, and even managed to get a nice tan. But I’ll be honest — there were moments when loneliness crept in. I fought hard to push those feelings aside, reminding myself that it’s okay to feel them but not to let them take over.
I found myself thinking a lot about the man I was recently dating — how he went from sweet messages saying he was thinking of me to complete silence. His excuse? “A lot on his plate.” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that. It’s disappointing, but I recognize this as a season of growth. I’m trying to talk about these things, to face them, and learn from them rather than shut down.
Part of me wonders if I should love differently next time to protect myself — maybe be a little colder, a little more reserved. But that’s not who I am. Affection is part of me, and it says more about my heart than it does about how it’s received. I’m learning that.
The truth is, I crave a real connection. Sometimes, I wonder if it even exists or if the love I see others share is just a fantasy. Either way, I’m holding onto hope that one day I’ll find love that feels safe and steady. I refuse to let this small heartbreak send me spiraling the way it has in the past. I’m allowing myself to feel the sadness, but I’m not letting it consume me. It’s taking effort — real, heavy effort.
When I got home from the beach, my first instinct was to crawl into bed and sleep the feelings away. But instead, I chose myself again: I showered, dried my hair, got dressed, and took myself to the ale house for a glass of wine and an early dinner. Later, I might even change and hit the gym for another session. Who knows?
What matters is that I’m embracing this journey, not blaming myself for things beyond my control. I have to trust that God’s grace is at work — protecting me from something that might have broken me even more if I’d gotten in too deep. For that, I’m grateful.
Until next time, readers — thank you for walking through this with me.
I start to panic about things and then this quote plays in my head reminding me that my only job is to do the best that I can in all that I do and if it’s meant for me, nothing will sabotage it. It reminds me that if things go awry it’s temporary and eventually the water will level out and I will no longer be drowning in whatever is happening. I will eventually float on my back and coast back to where I’m supposed to be or where I’m supposed to be headed. If you really think about those words “You can’t mess something up that is meant for you” it takes the pressure off of trying to manipulate your outcomes. It should take the edge off of worrying about the unknown. If I think of the jobs I didn’t get or the relationships that didn’t work out I realize how much better off I am that it didn’t. I find comfort now in these words because I realize that no matter what, I’m going to be ok. So why worry about outcomes that aren’t up to me? Just do the best that you can and leave the rest up to fate.
Affirmation Of Visions 