I am not publishing this one for a while. I just want to put on paper my new chapter desires so I can use this to refer back to and even guide me to achieve them.- Update 7-22-2025- Published public… so much has changed!
I have spent most of my life living out the dreams of other people. I am not saying I regret a lot of what I lived. As an example, I enjoyed being in band all throughout high school, but I was mostly chasing my brother. I wanted to share that experience with him and in doing that, I made some wonderful friends. What would have been of my life had I joined the girls’ basketball team when my friend invited me to try out? What would have happened if I had told my mom that despite her not wanting me to leave, I REALLY wanted to go to FSU? What would have happened if I never quit Amadeus to run my ex’s plant nursery? Would I have held a higher role in HR today? Bottom line is, what would have happened if I followed my heart?
In addition to this, I think about how all my prayers all these years as a single mom were for God to provide me with enough to support my children. He did do that. There was never a want that they had that I could not provide. I put them through private school, paid for every sport they wanted to participate in, and bought every meal they craved (within reason of course). However, in all of that, I always excluded the request for enough to be able to provide for myself. I haven’t ever really had the wiggle room to buy myself whatever clothes I want without having to move money from one place to another to make it happen. I don’t get bi-weekly manicures or get my hair highlighted on the regular. I have never been able to take a nice vacation with my children because I didn’t truly have the money for the luxuries. If I did take them somewhere (like the beach) it was on a credit card or not paying for something knowing that the next few checks would leave me a slim chance of purchasing anything more than the bare necessities. I have never lived a check where I don’t have to penny-pinch thinking about how I could stretch that to get me to the next one. For example, thinking “I have $280 until next week but I have to pump gas at some point, the water bill comes out on Thursday, and I have to have enough to buy groceries on Sunday”. The rough calculation reminded me that I really can’t take everyone to the movies because a $60 movie day will leave me negative before my next check.
The reason I am recapping all of this is because my new prayers are different. I want a job that fulfills me. I no longer want a job to “have enough”. I want a job that brings me joy. Managers that respect my knowledge. A job that I look forward to every day. I want this job to pay me so well that I can buy whatever clothes I want without the worry if I will have enough for my obligations. I want to be able to plan a vacation for the summer and pay for it without credit card debt. I want to be able to fully pay Brandon’s housing, so we never have to pull out a loan. I don’t want to have to worry about how I can pay for everything else if I do pay this out of pocket. I want this job to give me the opportunity to save a whole mortgage payment a month on the off chance that I ever need emergency money.
I want to feel fulfillment in my life, and it all starts with knowing that it’s ok to ask for more. I tend to sell myself short because I worry that asking for more means other people are losing out. However, it’s ok to dream big. It’s okay to throw your desires in the air and be selfish with what you think you deserve. At the end of the day, how does God know your true desires if you constantly suppress them? It’s okay to wish and dream. God may just agree you are deserving and provide it all.
I start to panic about things and then this quote plays in my head reminding me that my only job is to do the best that I can in all that I do and if it’s meant for me, nothing will sabotage it. It reminds me that if things go awry it’s temporary and eventually the water will level out and I will no longer be drowning in whatever is happening. I will eventually float on my back and coast back to where I’m supposed to be or where I’m supposed to be headed. If you really think about those words “You can’t mess something up that is meant for you” it takes the pressure off of trying to manipulate your outcomes. It should take the edge off of worrying about the unknown. If I think of the jobs I didn’t get or the relationships that didn’t work out I realize how much better off I am that it didn’t. I find comfort now in these words because I realize that no matter what, I’m going to be ok. So why worry about outcomes that aren’t up to me? Just do the best that you can and leave the rest up to fate.
Affirmation Of Visions 