Dark Tunnel

I was sitting at the kitchen island with my mom. “What is wrong with you Mercy? Ever since your divorce you aren’t even a quarter of the person that you were. You used to be so happy, full of life, positive and energetic. Where did that vivacious daughter of mine go?” Truth is, I didn’t even know. I felt lost beyond measure. “I don’t know Mom,” I responded. “I feel like I am in this dark tunnel and can’t get out. I am so unhappy. I feel like a failure because I couldn’t save my marriage. I feel like I am a terrible mother because all I want to do is cry and sleep. I am about to get my car repossessed because I can’t afford it. I can’t afford my home. I can’t even concentrate at work because I know that I am working and not making nearly enough to survive. I hate myself”

It was the darkest point of my life. I remember driving  to work one day and planning out who would take care of my kids if I should decide I didn’t want to be in this world anymore. I didn’t feel like I was good enough for them. I was sobbing the whole drive in. I pulled into the parking lot, started to get out of the car when my baby, my two year old, whom I had forgotten to drop off at day care said “Hi MOMMY”. I started crying uncontrollably. I was so depressed and so out of it that I almost left my child in the car on a hot summer day. What a terrible mother! I remember sitting back down in the car and saying a prayer. I thanked God and every angel that guided me that my son spoke up. I promised myself in that very instant that I was going to take control back in my life. I called out sick that day. I drove my baby to day care and I signed up for college. I had 2 years left for my bachelors degree and I knew the only way I would be able to make anything of myself for my 2 boys was if I earned my degree. I had to get out of customer service and make enough money to support us. That evening I was ordering school supplies online and I stumbled on a blog about vision boards. A woman had created one so she could visualize her goals. The next day after work I set out to create mine. I knew that the only way I could survive this life was by restoring hope in my heart. I didn’t just add tangible things to my board, I focused on emotional aspects. A picture of a woman laughing. I pasted a heart over her chest because I envisioned restoring laughter in my heart. I added a car because mine had been repossessed and I was driving an old beat up Chevrolet Cavalier that barely went over 40 mph. My goal wasn’t to get anything expensive but something safe for my children and I. I added a picture of my home. I needed to know that my home, the home I worked so hard for would somehow be saved. Just like that I went adding the tidbits that would make me feel whole again. Oddly enough, as I went gluing it together, piece by piece I felt the hope restore in my heart. I hung this poster up right by my bed. Everyday I got up, glanced over it for a few minutes, told God thank you in advance for everything he was doing to fulfill these visions behind the scene, and then I would get dressed and head on for my day.

Within 4-5 years I achieved every single piece of that vision board. I was able to get my degree, I was able to purchase a car AND pay it off. I was able to land a secure job that would give us enough to do whatever our heart desired (within reason of course) but, above all, I was able to restore the laughter in my heart.

Here I am 11 years since my separation/divorce and I feel like I can achieve anything. Negative things happen but I almost don’t even let it sway me anymore because I know things get better. You just have to ride some waves at times. Sometimes things happen to force you to better yourself. I look back and had I not gone through so much adversity I wouldn’t be this strong. I would not be this successful. Most of all, I would not be able to tell my story and help restore laughter in people’s hearts. I know I was able to overcome the worst time in my life so far. A time when I thought I was “in a dark tunnel I can’t get out of.” Because I know this and feel this so strongly, I know that everyone else can too.